Respect every male in your life

A man is the most beautiful part of God’s creation who starts compromising at a very tender age.

He sacrifices his chocolates… for his sister.

He sacrifices his dreams, for just a smile on his parents face.

He spends his entire pocket money on buying gifts for the lady he loves just to see her smiling.

He sacrifices his full youth for his wife children by working late at night without any complain.

He builds their future by taking loans from banks repaying them for lifetime.

He struggles a lot still has to bear scolding from his mother, wife boss.

His life finally ends up only by compromising for others’ happiness.

If he goes out, then he’s careless;

If he stays at home, then he’s a lazy.

If he scolds children, then he’s a monster;

If he doesn’t scold, then he’s a irresponsible guy.

If he stops wife from working, then he’s an insecure guy;

If he doesn’t stops wife from working, then he’s somebody who lives on wife’s earnings.

If he listens to mom, then he’s mama’s boy;

If he listens to wife, he’s wife’s slave.

Respect every male in your life. You will never know what he has sacrificed for you.

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Q: I have been continually unwell since a very long time and have suffered numerous accidents in the past. I am not able to bear so much pain. What do I do?

Guruji: Listen, if you had really been so unwell, then you would have never been able to come here (to the Ashram).

We never notice how healthy we are. Rather we keep focussing on the small diseases and problems in life and become miserable. It is not possible that someone can be unwell all the time, or since birth. If that were the case, then such a person will not be able to come all the way here and speak during the satsang. So do not think that you have had to take a lot of trouble to come here. You are already very healthy and are smiling too. You need to bring a change in your mentality, and your outlook in life. See, the body has its own limitations but you must be strong in your heart. Sometimes in life you may suffer pain, or some disease, or meet with an accident. That is the nature of the body, and it is alright. Continue doing your seva, sadhana and satsang and everything will be alright soon.

This is why we have kept all types of facilities in the Ashram, to sustain and boost a person’s health, whether it is through Ayurveda, or the other techniques that we have that can help relieve the body from illness. The main point here is that you need to keep your mind healthy and happy.

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Wake up and see that life is too short. The realization that life is short will bring dynamism to your life.

Om Namah Shivay

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Is All Violence Generated By Males?

Maneka Gandhi, union minister for women and child development, stated recently that “All violence is male-generated.” This might, at first instance, seem like a sweeping statement, but perhaps there is more than a grain of truth in what she said. When Susan Sarandon, the acclaimed Hollywood actor was in India as chief guest at the International Film Festival in Goa in 2013, she echoed a similar sentiment.

Speaking of the increasing reports of incidence of violence against women – not just in India but across the world – Sarandon said that one sure way of sensitising the male of the need to respect women was for every mother to raise her sons in a way that gender equity and compassion as core values are inculcated in them in their growing years. The above is just one aspect of male-generated violence and Sarandon’s solution too is one among many ways of transforming the male propensity for violence to positive ways of bringing about peaceful change.

Children are indeed at their most formative stage of life — which is why the minister stressed on the importance of gender sensitisation at the school stage, saying, “We have started something which will go into effect in a few months called “gender champions”: boys who have been particularly respectful and helpful to girls and deserve to be emulated and rewarded. These prizes will be given to a person in each class annually.”

Violence is of course far more widespread and variegated than that related to assaults on women. Apart from the influence of nurture and environment, the male of the species does indeed seem to have a biological propensity for aggression. Why is this so? Perhaps it all boils down to the fact that the male of the species has an overload of testosterone, the sex hormone that some scientists call the ‘perfect weapon of mass destruction.’ Others call it a ‘warmone’ that triggers aggression, competitiveness, and violence.

The play of testosterone is evident in the army, for instance, where ‘jawans’ or young, testosterone-rich youth is recruited to protect the country at the border. Aggression is the traditional way of dealing with the enemy at the gates. The hero soldier who dies protecting his country is honoured and appreciated for his valour. But he cannot be brought back to life. While this is not to undermine the supreme sacrifice of young soldiers, it does raise the question, is there no other way to protect and guard against external aggression other than young men giving up their precious lives in the process, on both sides of the border? The answer could be ‘smart wars’ fought with robots and spy planes, but what we really need to work towards is to establish peace rather than wage wars.

That could be a utopian dream but one worth striving for, and as a wizened woman CEO suggested to the ministry of defence, “why don’t you rename your ministry as ‘ministry of peace?’ and shot off a letter to that effect to the defence minister. It does seem as though conflict resolution and peace come naturally to women whereas men rare for a fight. Again, let’s blame it on testosterone, the male sex hormone. Chemical locha, as Munnabhai would put it. It’s not as though the female of the species is devoid of testosterone; it’s just that the levels are far lower than those in males. Moreover, every female as a potential mother is programmed to nurture, love and care rather than fight, kill and destroy. And yes, there are exceptions to every generalisation.

Om Namah Shivay

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When Care Destroys Love-3

Detachment is an acknowledgement of the fact that the people you love are responsible for their feelings. By letting them take control of their (and not your) life, you actually help them. It may hurt initially but eventually it infuses a new vitality in your relationship. It is developing a sort of neutrality so you don’t start worrying about little things and feel the urge to fix everything right away. You can’t fix what you didn’t create. Not all the time anyway.

Detachment is the realization that most troubled partners don’t act badly as a matter of choice. Their coping mechanisms propel them to behave a certain way. But your sense of detachment will give you the peace to handle everything far more effectively (without going crazy). Detachment is taking it easy (not for granted) in the face of friction and conflict. It is to examine your reaction rather than acting on the first thought or the first feeling you experience when things go haywire. It helps you to keep your sanity until your partner understands that neither of you can always be on your toes.

That said, detachment is only one part of the solution. There’s more.  Compulsive care doesn’t help anyone. If you wish to have a healthy relationship, then sooner or later you have to stand up for yourself. True love naturally has a degree of detachment otherwise it becomes too clingy and uncomfortable. Unhealthy relationships are prisoners of obsession and attachment. Healthy relationships on the other hand are fueled by friendship and freedom. Obsessive care undermines love.

Learn to speak up for yourself. Don’t be scared. Breathe. Detach. Make no attempt to fix everything this instant. No one is going to die if you start caring about yourself. On the contrary, your life and others’ too will only become more beautiful as you stand your ground and find your feet because, ultimately, this new-found strength will make you even more loving, caring, confident and happy.

Om Namah Shivay

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When Care Destroys Love-2

Here’s a simple but profound story that has been doing the rounds on the internet. I first read it in Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More.

A woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. In her quest of knowledge she wanted to learn everything there was to learn, she said. The guru gave her stacks of books and left her alone so she could study.

“Have you learned everything there is to know yet?” he would ask her every morning.

“No,” she would say every time, “I haven’t.”

The guru would then strike her over the head with a cane. This went on for months. Same question, same answer, same treatment. One morning, however, when he raised his cane to hit her, the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping the assault in midair.

Relieved to end the daily batterings, but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled.

“Congratulations,” he said, “You have graduated. You now know everything there is to know.”

“How come?” the woman asked.

“You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know,” he replied. “And you have learned how to stop the pain.”

Your pain stops the moment you realize that you can’t possibly cover all the scenarios in a relationship, that you can’t correct the feelings and thoughts of the other person, that they too must take some (if not complete) responsibility for their own lives. You learn to watch out for yourself. It’s not that you love the other person any less now, in fact, your love increases because the toxicity is replaced by responsibility.

In a toxic relationship, there’s a serious lack of understanding about what the other person needs. Obsessed partners are expert controllers, not necessarily manipulators but controllers. They can extract a certain behavior from you by exhibiting their excessive reliance on you. They are not doing so consciously or cunningly. They are only acting compulsively, often based on what has worked for them till date. Soon, however, it gets suffocating for both people because it’s tiring and taxing. There’s little room left to play as any space is overtaken by worrying and fear. So, what is the solution, you ask?

An excited woman called her husband from work.

“Guess what!” she screamed with joy, “I just won the jackpot! I’m richer by $20 million!”

“You’re kidding me!” the husband yelled, equally ecstatic.

“Pack your clothes,” she said, “Oh! I could do with a break!”

“Winter or summer clothes?”

“All of them. I want you out of the house by six.”

Detachment is your answer. I’m not saying that you do it like the woman in the joke. And, I don’t mean it in some cryptic theological or philosophical sense. Here’s how I see detachment in the context of relationships. Physical distance is not detachment (although it can help, sometimes). Detachment is giving the other person time and space so they may learn to be more responsible. It is a reminder that you can’t take care of the other person without taking care of yourself first. It is the understanding that you too deserve to do things that make you happy. You’ve as much right to life as anyone else.

Om Namah Shivay

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When Care Destroys Love-1

Have you ever dreaded approaching your partner to talk about even something as simple as what you wish to do over the weekend? And then played the conversation in your head over and over again before speaking to him (or her)? Only because you don’t know how he or she will react. Or more importantly, you fear they’ll react most unfavorably, get mad at you or even throw tantrums.

If you have then you must be familiar with that churning feeling in your stomach. When you feel that obnoxious hollowness in your tummy, that sinking feeling as if you are on the roller-coaster that’s going down a breakneck speed. You hear your heartbeat loud and clear, you suddenly feel low and down. Then you slip into excessive worrying. How will he or she take it this time, how will you cope with their reaction? So on and so forth. You tremble at the thought of broaching the topic.

And then you wait and wait. You wait for that “perfect moment” to talk to them. You hope that they’ll listen to you this time, so you may really speak your heart out without worrying about their reaction. You keep playing the tape in your head because you want to be careful with your words, you love him or her and you don’t want to hurt them, but you also want to voice your feelings. You prepare yourself mentally for their outburst but nothing prepares you, really. They don’t react any differently. You walk away feeling the same as always — unheard, guilty, low and hurt.

If you know what I mean then let me tell you that you need help. But, it’s your partner who’s emotionally troubled or obsessed, you say. Of course. Yet still, you need help. You have taken upon yourself the unrealistic job of managing the feelings of the other person. Rather than making them understand that they are responsible for their conduct and emotions, you have burdened yourself by thinking that your actions can fix your partner’s feelings. Big mistake.

In a healthy relationship, two people are there for each other but they take care of themselves too. They understand that they must take responsibility for their own lives. When this responsibility shifts on the shoulder of just one partner, such a relationship is doomed. It’s neither sustainable nor practical. It’s not even right, if you ask me.

Om Namah Shivay

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Man and Woman

Strength of a Man

The strength of a man isn’t seen in the width of his shoulders.
It is seen in the width of his arms that encircle you.
The strength of a man isn’t in the deep tone of his voice.
It is in the gentle words he whispers.
The strength of a man isn’t how many buddies he has.
It is how good a buddy he is with his kids.
The strength of a man isn’t in how respected he is at work.
It is in how respected he is at home.
The strength of a man isn’t in how hard he hits..
It is in how tender he touches.
The strength of a man isn’t how many women he’s Loved by.
It is in can he be true to one woman.
The strength of a man isn’t in the weight he can lift.
It is in the burdens he can understand and overcome.

Beauty of a Woman
The beauty of a woman
Is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries,
Or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman
Must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman
Is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman
Is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows,
The beauty of a woman
With passing years-only grows.

Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman,
but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man

Luv Happens Only Once….
Rest Is Just Life…

Om Namah Shivay

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